{"id":1051,"date":"2008-04-30T10:11:38","date_gmt":"2008-04-30T15:11:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/gazette\/2008\/04\/30\/080430-temporarybachelorcantmakecoffee\/"},"modified":"2022-03-10T21:26:38","modified_gmt":"2022-03-11T03:26:38","slug":"080430-temporarybachelorcantmakecoffee","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/2008\/04\/30\/080430-temporarybachelorcantmakecoffee\/","title":{"rendered":"The Incompetent Temporary Bachelor Chronicles: Vol. I"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><acronym title=\"My Lovely Bride\">MLB<\/acronym> is in another time zone on business, leaving me and the Dog Faced Girl to fend for ourselves, a task for which we each are woefully ill-equipped. In fairness to Abbye, the fact that she&#8217;s aged, infirm, blind, and lacks opposable thumbs gives her some legitimate excuses that I, for the most part (hold your snide observations) lack.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Take the task of making coffee, for example. Now, one of the things my wife does to ensure that our home is a little bit of heaven on earth is prepare our fancy-schmancy coffeemaker the night before, so that when I arise at precisely 5:26 a.m. and stroll into the kitchen, while she&#8217;s hammering out mileage on the treadmill I&#8217;m dispensing a cuppa joe so fresh it&#8217;s like a slap in the face from Miley Cyrus.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>She makes it look easy, but I&#8217;m finding there&#8217;s more to it than meets the eye. Monday night, for example, I set everything up, carefully measuring three cups of water and four scoops of coffee that would yield my expected three cups of java. I failed to consider the effects of overnight evaporation and water loss during the brewing cycle, and had to resort to sucking on the bottom of a soggy #4 flat-bottomed filter to get my <acronym title=\"Required Daily Allotment\">RDA<\/acronym> of caffeine on Tuesday morning. If that paints a sad mental picture, I assure you that the reality is worse.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Last night, I was determined not to repeat that mistake, and I didn&#8217;t. I achieved that goal by grasping at a higher standard of incompetence, as I failed to remember to put any water at all into the coffeemaker.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I can&#8217;t wait to see what awaits me in the morning. I&#8217;m pretty sure that I&#8217;m approaching the end of the possible ways to mess up this task, but if things go badly again tomorrow, I&#8217;m putting Abbye in charge. She couldn&#8217;t do any worse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>MLB is in another time zone on business, leaving me and the Dog Faced Girl to fend for ourselves, a task for which we each are woefully ill-equipped. In fairness to Abbye, the fact that she&#8217;s aged, infirm, blind, and lacks opposable thumbs gives her some legitimate excuses that I, for the most part (hold&hellip; <a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/2008\/04\/30\/080430-temporarybachelorcantmakecoffee\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">The Incompetent Temporary Bachelor Chronicles: Vol. I<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1051","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-food-drink","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1051","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1051"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1051\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8515,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1051\/revisions\/8515"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1051"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1051"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1051"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}