Memo to the Prince of Darkness:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dear Mr. Pod,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would like to propose the immediate implementation of a new level of Hell, if you can find the space. I believe that this proposal will provide a uniquely awful form of punishment to the deserving offender, and I know that you will be astonished at its simplicity. I suspect this will set a new standard for low overhead agony, a standard that is not likely to be bested in your lifetime. (I trust that that’s not a sensitive issue with you.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My proposal requires only one item for full and complete implementation: a fitted sheet for a kingsize bed, fresh from the dryer. Well, actually, I suppose you don’t really need a clothesdryer in Hell, now do you? \ud83d\ude09 So it’s even more simple than I thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The agony part comes here — are you ready for this? — you make the unfortunate souls assigned to this new level FOLD SHEETS FOR ETERNITY! And the beauty of this idea is this: IT CAN’T BE DONE! No human being can successfully fold a fitted sheet; it’s impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know this, sir, because I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried. But the new sheets are like big baggy showercaps, and they have elastic all the way around them. And here’s the worst part: they have no corners! How can that be? I don’t know, but it’s true. Someone (you?) figured out a way to make a sheet with no corners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you combine the cornerless construction with the omnipresent elastic, and throw into the mix a piece of fabric the size of Rhode Island, you’re left with an amorphous mass that cannot be tamed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Frankly, I’ve given up trying. I just stuff ’em into the linen closet, and tuck in the edges of the blob so that it appears to a casual observer, say, my wife, that folding has occurred, and then I hope for the best.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The only hitch in my plan is that I haven’t yet figured out what sin(s) will warrant such extreme measures. I’ll leave that in your capable talons, although you might want to take a look at how those guys who drive for miles down the freeway with their turn signals blinking are currently being treated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Feel free to take this ball and run with it. I probably wouldn’t let Sisyphus know about this proposal, however; he still thinks he’s got it bad and I wouldn’t want him to feel slighted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yours truly,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A Consultant (yeah…that’s right; no soul here for you to pounce on!)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Memo to the Prince of Darkness: Dear Mr. Pod, I would like to propose the immediate implementation of a new level of Hell, if you can find the space. I believe that this proposal will provide a uniquely awful form of punishment to the deserving offender, and I know that you will be astonished at… Continue reading White Paper: A New Level of Hell<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2341","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-just-plain-silly","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2341"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7884,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341\/revisions\/7884"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ericsiegmund.com\/fireant\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}