I say manly affection; you say assault and battery. ToMAYto, ToMAHto.

Since time immemorial, it’s been the duty of uncles to harass nephews at every turn, particularly  during family reunions. This is a manly way of displaying affection without, you know, being affectionate. Both sides know their roles, generally speaking, and the tradition is passed down through the generations.

I have only one nephew, and that by marriage, but I’ve taken my harassment responsibilities quite seriously, especially this year due to his absence last year while vacationing at the Army’s expense in the beautiful and luxurious surroundings of Afghanistanistania.

Thus, at the culmination of last weekend’s reunion in Fredericksburg, Texas, I was at the hotel’s front desk, waiting to check out, and several of our group was saying their goodbyes behind me, The Nephew included. He was dressed in khaki cargo shorts, black t-shirt and black ball cap (these details are important, so pay attention). There was a bit of a delay while the clerk struggled with the computer, and so I turned around and spotted The Nephew looking down at his phone and took the opportunity to rap the bill of his cap several times in a fairly aggressive manner. Even as I did so, I thought, why in the Sam Hill is he wearing that cap; has he lost his mind, wearing a black Texas Longhorn hat?

I then looked down at the black Longhorn t-shirt the khaki cargo-shorted stranger behind me was wearing, just as he looked up with a shocked expression, wondering who was accosting him. He was almost exactly the same height and build as you-know-who, but with much less manly affection in his eyes.

I briefly considered whether I could successfully feign blindness (“Adam…Adam…is that you, my boy?”) but figured that without a white cane, it would be hard to pull off. So I stifled, somewhat successfully, my laughter and apologized profusely, pointing out that he could have been a clone* of the guy who previously was standing behind me but who was now off to the side NOT successfully stifling his laughter. The stranger did not share my amusement. Go figure.

I’m sure there’s a moral to this story, but for me the takeaway is gratitude that The Nephew isn’t a bodybuilding linebacker defense attorney type.

*I thought of an awesome pun involving the word “clone,” but by the time I got to my computer, I forgot it. If you can remember it, let me know. K’thx.

Note: I put this post into the “Fashion” category because (1) I didn’t have another one that seemed to fit, and (B) you know, the clothes.

Categorized as Fashion