Tips for Staying Off Camera at Church

I operate a television camera a couple of times each month during one of our Sunday morning worship services (we have three, two of which are televised), and one of our biggest challenges is finding good audience shots during the sermon.

Most people will tell you that they are not happy about the idea of being put on camera. I think most of them are fibbing, because we’re all hams at heart. Nevertheless, with that in mind, we are careful to be as unobtrusive as possible, employing little tricks to fool people into believing that they are not our targets. I won’t share those tricks with you, in case you ever visit my church, but what I will do is provide you with some tips to ensure that you are, indeed, not put on camera.

Note that it once was sufficient to sit a couple of pews in front of our camera stands, so that only the back of your head would appear on screen. The backs of peoples’ heads don’t really make for “must see TV,” unless they’re shaven and being operated on…and that rarely happens anymore in a Baptist worship service. But even this tactic no longer ensures your safety, as we’ve cleverly mounted a remote control camera in the ceiling near the front of the worship center, and that little sucker can fill the screen with your face just about anywhere you sit.

Anyway, here are some things that are guaranteed to make the director pick easier prey (in no particular order):

• Nose-picking – This one’s obvious, isn’t it? In reality, actual penetration is not required; any close proximity digital hovering will cause us to move elsewhere. The risk is just too great.
• Yawning – This one’s a little trickier, unless you’ve perfected the “perpetual yawn technique.” Otherwise, you’ll need to spot the camera taking aim on you, then launch into a series of unpredictable yawns, such that we’ll give up on trying a timing shot and, again, move on.
• Gum-chewing – OK, this is an area that’s changing with the times (see, not everything in the Baptist experience is rooted in the 1800s). It was once taboo to put any gum-chewer on screen, but nowadays, that eliminates about 50% of the potential shots right off the bat. So unless you are one of the most egregious practitioners of the jaw-popping cud mastication, you’re probably fair game, at least for a background shot.
• Dozers – Again, obvious, although there’s more gray area here than you might think. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell if you’re sleeping, or just very spiritual. I’ve also had non-attentive directors frantically cancel shots, thinking that the subject is dozing, when in reality she’s praying, along with everyone else in the room. But, it’s a dead giveaway if you drool.
• Young lovers, note-passing teens and moms with sitting by small children – I don’t need to elaborate. As with nose-pickers, this is a simple function of risk assessment.
• Camera gazers – Of all the defense tactics, this is perhaps the best one, as it shows the director who’s really the boss. If you see the camera swing your way, just stare at it. No one other than the pastor is permitted to make eye contact with the camera (I think there’s a verse in Leviticus that addresses this apparent abomination). Do this a couple of times, and they’ll never even visit your neighborhood thereafter.
• Cleavage – Uh, well, you know…
• Acting like a charismatic – This one’s in our book, but we’ve never gotten to employ it. Go figure.

I hope this is helpful in your future worship experiences. Note that some denominations likely employ different criteria…some probably apply a bit more grace to their shot selections, while others lean toward legalism. In fact, when seeking a church home, this may well be something you want to discuss with a prospective new pastor.