The Five Stages of Dealing With A Missing Morning Newspaper

You’re familiar with the Kübler-Ross Model, right, otherwise known as The Five Stages of Grief? Of course you are; you recall well that it formed the basis of an entire movie starring Roy Scheider as a shark. Well, he wasn’t actually a shark. He was a dancer with shark-like tendencies. But I digress.

I’ve found that The Five Stages of Grief can be applied to many things in life, not the least of which is waking up in the morning and finding that your newspaper has inexplicable and quite unfairly not been delivered to your front doorstep. Can you relate?

1. Denial – It must be here; I’m simply overlooking it. Maybe it’s on the roof; I’ll bet it went down the chimney. *staggers off in an ill-advised search for a ladder*
2. Anger – *(&%%&(*^ *staggers off in an ill-advised search for a handgun*
3. Bargaining – OK, I swear I’ll send the delivery guy a Christmas card this year. And put a tip in it. And I’ll extend my subscription five years at a time.
4. Depression – My life is over. I might as well watch the news on TV.
5. Acceptance – Facebook it is.