Fire Ant Flickers (#15)

Howdy, folks, and welcome to another scintillating edition of Fire Ant Flickers. [Ed. I don’t think that means what you think it means.]

Please ignore my sad sack editor, as he/she/it/they are bummed about the prospect of being replaced by AI. I sometimes worry about that myself — not about the editor being replaced, as that would be a step up [especially considering the only editor I have is the loudest of the multiple voices in my head, all of which I typically ignore, even when I shouldn’t]. But once you read the hard-hitting, fact-adjacent content that follows, you’ll see that AI has better things to do.

🎼 It’s the most messiest time of the year 𝄇

Our house is surrounded by trees: live oaks, pecan, and elm, and they all are habitual litterers…especially during late fall and early winter. I spend at least 20-30 minutes daily with a leaf blower trying to keep sidewalks, porches, and decks relatively uncluttered by leaves, acorns, and the rare pecan that the squirrels have deemed to be substandard (thank goodness for an EGO battery-powered blower).

This year, the clutter is particularly bad because of a strange and interesting phenomenon: we haven’t yet had a killing freeze — we’re at least three weeks overdue, and there are none in the immediate forecast.

I refer to this situation as interesting, because the trees are also somewhat puzzled by it, and they can’t decide whether to fully commit to their usual self-denuding. I believe they have an internal calendar that’s telling them that’s it’s time to let go of the old in preparation for the new, regardless of whether or not the temperature supports that strategy. This tepid commitment means that instead of the mass release of leaves that typically occurs during the week following a hard freeze, they’re dropping a “few” every day, and have been for weeks. This annoys me to no end, and I’m not easily annoyed. [Ed. Do you actually believe they’re going to buy that?]

Since I’m a glass-half-full kind of guy, regardless of what my lame editor thinks, the upside to this situation is that I’m not dealing with a huge pile of leaves on a given day. But, still…this death by a thousand cuts thing is getting a bit old.

End of leaf-centric rant…on to important scientific discoveries…

Just because it’s a meme doesn’t mean it’s not true

Alert Gazette readers will remember this from a while back:

You probably thought this was a clever yet fallacious poster. I did as well, until a couple of weeks ago when the security camera recorded a very interesting sequence of events on our deck in the middle of the night.

After a bit of analysis and contemplation, I was able to make sense of what the camera provided and I put it into a format that is sure to easily persuade even the most jaded skeptic. I present to you incontrivertible proof of the accuracy of the preceding poster. It’s only 22 seconds of video, but get ready to have your world rocked.

I’m pretty sure the Indianapolis Prize committee will be knocking at my door to offer me accolades for this important contribution to the scientific world.

I win…by an eyelash…but lose to unanticipated consequences.

I’ve debated whether or not to post this — I’m risking the sharing of too much information by writing about myself…and my eyelashes, to be precise. But, what the heck. This is a fascinating medical phenomenon. [Ed. How many times will you use the word phenomenon in this post?] [Me. Phenomenon. Phenomenon. Phenomenon. 😝]

This is an actual photo of my eye. Note, if you will, the amazingly lush eyelashes sprouting thereon. This is a potential upside of potentially losing my eyesight.

You see (no pun intended, if indeed that constitutes a pun [Ed. It doesn’t.]), I’ve been diagnosed with mild ocular hypertension caused by elevated intraocular pressure. In laymen’s terms, that means that my eyeballs could explode at any minute. Just kidding; they would actually provide a Mission Impossible-style countdown before exploding. Just kidding again; it really means that there’s the possibility of developing glaucoma if the pressures aren’t reduced.

There’s a medication that’s commonly used to treat this condition. The fancy, self-important, random-generated doctor name is bimatoprost. The less-fancy but trademarked name of the drops I’m using is Lumigan. I’ve been using these drops in my eyes for a few months and they’ve successfully reduced the intraocular pressure enough that my optometrist will likely have to seek additional funding for his new boat instead of relying on my treatments for the entire purchase. (Again, I kid. As far as you know.)

This is where it gets fun, and I think some of the Gazette readers of the distaff persuasion already know where I’m going. One of the well-documented side effects of Lumigan is eyelash growth, and in fact a variation of the drug is marketed under the Frenchly name of Latisse. Latisse offers to solve the heartbreak of inadequate eyelashes, and it apparently does work. (Feel free to leave your personal experiences in the comments below.)

Since both Lumigan and Latisse are comprised of the same medication, it’s logical that they both will have similar results from an eyelash perspective. It’s a side effect of Lumigan; it’s the primary use for Latisse. (Note that Latisse is not dropped in the eyes; it’s brushed onto the upper eyelid — and upper eyelid only; the lower is what it is and ever shall be.)

Now, I don’t even recall ever looking at my eyelashes; I have no idea what their original length or color ^[1] was before I started with the drops. But my wife tells me that there’s been a significant change, and not only a change, but an improvement. I confess that I’m a bit flattered by that, and I’ve been batting my eyelashes at people at every opportunity, albeit not always with the intended results, and we don’t really need to talk further about that.

The problem is that — and this is really, really weird to say — Debbie is jealous of my verdant lashes, and while I can comfortably live with that, I didn’t anticipate that it would cause her to begin her own regimen of Latisse to compete with me. Folks, that stuff isn’t cheap, and while my Lumigan is partially covered by insurance, her Latisse is not.

Plus, I’ve never been the pretty one in the family; I’ve never even been able to compete with our dogs. I finally get a chance to be that person, and now the title is almost guaranteed to be ripped from my hands. So, please dwell on the photo above, and consider what a glorious era it represented.

Closing Shot: You’re not a failure; you’re just insufficiently motivated

Potentially Interesting Footnote

Other side effects of Lumigan may include a change in eye color and a darkening of eyelash color. Upon cessation of using the eyedrops, eyelashes will eventually return to their original state, but the change in eye color is sometime permanent. [Return]