Ground Crew Humor

My pal Tommy, he of the SS 396 fame, is also a pilot-in-training. It worries me a bit that he sends me stuff like this:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget* pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget*

*Note: For the record, let it be understood that the staff of the Gazette does not condone the use of the term “midget” in this context, and we understand that some might get queasy seeing it used like this. For those whose delicate sensibilities are affronted, please substitute the word “fromage” in place of “midget.” Thank you.

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10 comments

  3. Smart move advancing a goodthink replacement for a known unword, Eric!
    Roger Ebert got into a hassle over the “m” word. With the publication of the ’05 edition of the politically correct Newspeak Dictionary, the word has been “retired”.
    There’s no consensus on what the plusgood replacement for the unword should be, either. “Fromage” is as good as any. Minrec Central Committee already rejected my nomination of “Oompa-Loompa” as a possible choice.
    I can’t see why it’s any less preposterous than Inner Party Member Dr. Leonard Sawisch’s entirely serious assertion,
    “The truth is Little People or Persons of Short Stature or Dwarfs do not have equal rights under the law. We are forbidden to join the military or police force based purely on size and not ability.”

  6. Eric finds the good stuff.

    I wish I knew where he finds it!
    “Ground Crew Humor”:
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That’s what they’re for.
    …
    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and…

  8. Somebody gave a hammer to some cheese?
    Only in a metaphorical sense. It would be irresponsible of me to suggest that anyone should really do this, given the inherent danger.

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