Hypothetical Reasons Why Change is Bad

Change is a bad thing. Everybody knows this, but we’ve been brainwashed with the politically correct mantra that change is good and necessary and righteous. But, I don’t believe it. Consider, for example, the following purely hypothetical scenario.

What if all of a sudden you decided — hypothetically, of course — that the Christmas lighting scheme you’ve been using for the past two decades…said scheme centered around yards and yards of white mini-lights…should be updated to the more fashionable and apparently higher class clear big bulb lights that are individually and uniformly installed along the roof line of your home? (You probably forgot that was a question, didn’t you?) Here are some reasons why that change would be a bad thing, hypothetically.

1. Having embarked on this action plan, you might find that said big bulb lights of the clear persuasion are simply unavailable. You might, hypothetically, drive to (a) Wal-Mart, (b) Home Depot, (c) Target, (d) Lowe’s and (e) Hobby Lobby, spending much valuable time going up and down aisles with nothing to show for your efforts.
2. Having struck out on the clear big bulbs, you might then be tempted, in a purely hypothetical sense, to fall back to Plan B, which involves the same big bulbs, only in an alternating red and green milieu. You might theorize that these colors are retro-chic, and will actually make you cooler than those huddled masses sporting clear bulbs. Deep down inside, however, you know that your neighbors will shake their heads and talk about you behind your back. Hypothetically.
3. With the decision to get the big bulbs (alternate color scheme), you might realize that you also need some sort of mounting device(s) to attach bulbs to your roofline. In theory, this decision could result in your having to fight a short woman in capri pants and really ugly sandals for the last boxes of those bulb attachment doohickeys.
4. If you’re fortunate, you arrive back home with your lights and attachment doohickeys and a barely noticeable limp, ready to apply said lights to your house. You might then discover that you have no idea how to do that. You might hypothetically discover that the attachment doohickeys are only marginally compatible with the big bulbs you’ve hitched your star to. You might break many doohickeys and lights before finding an approach that might work.
5. You might at this hypothetical point find that putting attachment doohickeys on individual big bulbs is tedious and uncomfortable work, but because you’ve determined that change is good, you persist for 150 bulbs.
6. Having applied the doohickeys, you could, at this point, take the six strings of lights out into the yard, attach them end-to-end, and begin to affix them to the roofline…at which point you might — in this purely hypothetical example — find that you’ve attached 147 of the 150 doohickeys upside-down. This could result in behavior reinforcing the neighbors’ perception that you are unpleasantly eccentric, as well as in a decision to stick the #$%^&@# lights on the @#%#$ house anyway.
7. Having somehow accomplished the equivalent of putting a square peg into a round hole, you might stand back and admire your handiwork which, admittedly, doesn’t look half bad, now the the lights are plugged in and glowi… Well, theywere glowing; they’re now dark (hypothetically, that is). You might check the first plug and find that at least it’s still glowing, which, despite your lack of skill as an electrician, you might understand to not be a good thing.
8. You might then think to read the back of the box of big bulb lights and find in the fine print an admonition to the effect that you are not, under any circumstances, to connect more than 60 of these big bulb lights to one outlet (never mind that they come 25 to a string). You might mentally and hypothetically consider the fact that with the original mini-light strategy, you could string a couple hundred of those suckers together on one circuit with no ill effects (other than helping a few TXU executives make additional payments on their Jaguars).
9. At that point, with nighttime approaching, you might decide to just forget the whole stinkin’ thing and go inside and mope.

So, there you have it…an imaginary scenario in which is found indisputable proof that change is not a good thing. Merry Christmas.