The Vertiginous Plumber

Having given up on the hope that the box would drag its cardboard carcass from the laundry room where it had rested for weeks and into the kitchen, whereupon it would install the faucet which it encased, I took it upon myself to do the job last Friday afternoon at 4:00 p.m., allotting myself one hour to replace the identical — if substantially more haggard-looking — fixture that squatted over the double sink.

I hate plumbing projects, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I’m lousy at them. Any such project that ends without a frantic call to a highly-paid professional driving a much better car than mine to clean up my mess is cause for celebration. Plus, plumbing generally occurs in cramped, dark, smelly places and rarely permits the wild swinging of 2 pound sledges which I find pleasingly therapeutic.

Still, how hard could it be, taking out a kitchen faucet and replacing it with the same model? Well, I suppose that those guys who decided that connecting two large bodies of water with the Panama Canal probably thought that digging a big ditch would be a piece of cake, too.

OK, to be honest, it didn’t go that badly (the faucet, not the Canal).

But I did manage to do something I’d never before accomplished during a plumbing project: I became vertiginous and nauseous. Something about lying on my back, head stuck deep in the cabinet under the sink and looking up through the wrong place on my eyeglasses gave me the distinct worry that I would become reacquainted with what was left of what I had for lunch.

Thankfully, that didn’t come to pass and the faucet was installed by 5:15…only 15 minutes past my self-imposed timeframe. I would have made it in less than an hour had I not been forced to uninstall the newly-installed faucet in order to entice the steel hose thingie (a technical term; I apologize) through the neck of the new faucet, as it refused to cooperate per the instructions with the faucet in place.

And, of course, there were a few minutes here and there where I had to stop to contemplate whether it was preferable to throw up in the kitchen trash can or make a dash for the bathroom.

Does Craftsman make Dramamine?