Dear Miss Manners,
I’ve never written to you before, but I have a strictly theoretical situation that cries out for your counsel. Please consider the following and advise me as to the proper course of action.
I have a close acquaintance who theoretically recently went to the theater — just for discussion purposes, let’s say it was last Friday evening — and watched a movie, the title not being important but let’s assume it had something to do with Reptiles on an Aircraft. (I realize that this scenario already raises many red flags in your mind, but please try to focus on the specific, albeit theoretical, issue I describe.)
Near the end of the hypothetical movie, my friend detected a peculiar sensation on his left calf. At first he ignored it — he says — thinking it was a psychosomatic reaction to the scenes on the movie screen. But it continued, and seemed to be moving up his leg, so he reached down to his pants leg and confirmed that, sure enough, something was abiding disquietly between his skin and the fabric of his jeans.
Despite this being a strictly hypothetical situation, my theoretical friend freaked, albeit only inwardly, so as not to disturb those around him, chief of whom was his wife. He grasped the animate object firmly between the folds of the fabric and squished hard enough to form diamonds from pencil lead, and was met with the unnerving feel of juice soaking through his pants leg. On the other hand, I’m told that the movement along his leg ceased.
Now, here’s the crux of my question about this theoretical situation.
Should my friend tell anyone — and, in particular, his wife — about this encounter in the dark movie theater, given that everyone who hears about it will forever after be thinking of the possibility when they go to the same theater (fortunately, I haven’t revealed the location of said theater, deeming it unnecessary since this is a strictly hypothetical situation, so the folks at the Hollywood Theaters in Midland, Texas, have no reason to be alarmed).
And, just as important, should my friend now, given the passage of, say, three days since the hypothetical incident described above, finally don a pair of heavy leather gloves, turn up the pants leg in question, and look to see just exactly what it was that he dispatched in that theater? Because, like, he’s really weirded out by that pair of jeans laying in the clothes hamper. Or so he’s led me to believe.
I would appreciate your prompt attention to this matter, so that my friend can continue with his theoretical life.
Your truly,
Name withheld by request
Dear Name Withheld,
Miss Manners commends you for your composure and for refraining from jumping from your seat and shrieking like a little girl. However, Miss Manners recommends, theoretically speaking of course, that you no longer frequent said establishement, it being of suspect character and cleanliness.
As for the jeans (Miss Manners will refrain from comment on said apparrel, mentioning only that finer theaters everywhere frown on said), it is Miss Manners’ advice that you investigate the matter immediately so as to determine if any medical intervention might be necessary. Miss Manners advises silence on the matter unless the outcome of the investigation requires medical attention. No point in disabusing other patrons of the notion that the crunchy bits in the popcorn are peanuts.
One wonders if the crawling menace might have been the seductive toe of your friend’s wife, excepting that she likely would have emitted quite an audible scream of pain had it actually been her toe that your friend squished. And excepting that said movie is not apt to elicit such seduction, from what one reads about it.
Dear Name Withheld,
You know better than to be so rude as to bother Miss Manners with this frivolous theoretical hypothetical insane request. I’m forwarding your letter on to Steve Irwin!
This post is giving me the hypothetical skeeves.
i have a related hypothetical question if miss manners could answer it while she’s answering yours. maybe kill two birds with one stone here:
i also have a friend – eric and i might even share the same mutual friend – who, once, when he found a live scorpion in his bathroom, laid half-asleep most of the night leaping out of bed every time his mind played tricks on him or the sheet touched him, thinking he was under attack. so my question is: does miss manners have any friends in the psychiatric field? my friend seems to have ongoing trauma. thanks.
Gwynne, thanks for the tip. I’ll have my friend forward the theoretical carcass to Steve as well.
Kyle, while I can’t speak for Miss Manners in terms of the etiquette (or mental health) issue, I do suspect that she would think that “Scorpions in the Sheets” would be a cool name for a band.
Where are “Scorpions in the Sheets” playing, Eric? I’d like to go squash one of them. I do hope Miss Manners doesn’t find that behavior uncouth, but I’m still recovering from an experience I had many years ago just like your friend. Until that happened, I had lots of couth.
Don’t blame Cowtown Pattie for this personal confession, but that’s where I found the link to your blog.
Joared, welcome to the Gazette. I’d seen your name over at Pattie’s place, but assumed you were really an urban legend. 😉
Feel free to squash any scorpions you encounter. That’s a time-honored tradition around here. You can even spit on their dead bodies, if you like.