In the *cough* air tonight *sneeze*

A friend recently shared the results of a family member’s allergy tests (see below) — which is obviously an egregious HIPAA violation which I plan to report to the authorities just as soon as I share the test results on the internet — and I have so many questions. 

The numbers in the yellow-highlighted column indicate the severity of allergic reaction to each substance. The scale goes from 1 to 6 with 6 meaning that you’d choose death or listening to all of Bernie’s campaign speeches on a loop over exposure to that substance. IOW, really REALLY allergic. You’ll note that there are a lot of sixes on this report. 

First, a few observations. 

It’s apparent that this person should have no ambitions for becoming a literal tree-hugger. However, there were no tests for reactions to barrigona, pona or huacrapona, so relocation to the Amazonian rainforest might be a viable option. 

They thankfully have a few more choices for selecting pets. Both horses and cows are recommended; there are perhaps some tradeoffs but they are easily managed with the appropriate shovel. On the other hand, cockroaches are a definite no-no, especially — if I’m interpreting this chart correctly — those of mixed race persuasion.

But…questions abound. 

• What makes up “feather mix”? The category implies that all feathers aren’t equally allergenic, but how does that help us know what to avoid? Are avocets acceptable but ducks disastrous? Are geese ghastly but pheasants pleasant? 
• And speaking of mixes, what kind of fresh hell is “mix smut”? (And more to the point, what kind of weirdos will now get to this page via Google because of that term?) There are actually so many ways to run with this, and none of them are appropriate for the standards of the Gazette.
• You’ll notice that cultivated corn is on the naughty list. Should we infer that wild corn — not to be confused with wild oats…probably — would be okay? And should this person shy away from ethanol when filling their gas tank?
• And isn’t it interesting that while cockleburs rate a 6, their prickly cousins, the nettles, slide in at a 5? I’ve always believed that nettles were passive-aggressive in personality and this seems to bear that out.
• And, finally, let’s talk mold, shall we? It’s populated by a bunch of underachievers, allergenically speaking. Except for aspergillus, which not only maxes out the scale, but also merits its own website. (By the way, aspergillus is actually a fungus, but molds are a subset of fungi, although some fungi are actually referred to as yeasts, so…I forgot what point I was making.) But what we really need to focus on is the bipolaris family because, according to the Mold Busters, “eating leftover food should be avoided at all costs.” This is a pleasant subject to contemplate following the holiday season, isn’t it?

There is one bright spot among all the depressing test results, something that warms the heart of yours truly. Fire ants are on the list of acceptable animal alternatives, tied with rabbits and dogs. Should this person choose to cohabit with these cuddlesome creatures, we here at the Gazette would love to report on the results!