The new season of Dancing With The Stars is just a few hours away, and I thought this would be the perfect time to share my predictions on how the competition will unfold. Following is the list of participants along with my handicapping of their chances, based on absolutely no insight or wisdom. Feel free to print this out and remind me as the season goes along of how incredibly lame I am.
- Bristol Palin – She will be this year’s Kate Gosselin, painfully inept through no fault of her own (and without even the on-camera experience Gosselin brought with her) but kept alive for a few weeks by sympathetic women who can’t stand Levi Johnston. Exit week: 5
- Michael Bolton – An old guy who tries to sound black when he sings, and sometimes succeeds, but he’ll still dance like a white guy. Exit week: 2
- Rick Fox – Continuing in the tradition of sucky dancing basketball players, Rick will nevertheless hang around longer than reasonable ’cause the chicks dig him. And guys dig Cheryl Burke, his partner. Exit week: 6
- Margaret Cho – The comedienne who is not only not funny, but also can’t dance. Margaret will be really sad to find out how many Christians watch DWTS. Exit week: 1
- Jennifer Gray – Nobody puts Baby in a corner (you knew that was coming, right?), and Jennifer is still cute as a bug. I’ll bet she can still channel the spirit of Dirty Dancing, too, and Swayze’s ghost will give her a boost. Plus, her partner is Derek Hough, and that’s good for at least three extra weeks. Exit week: 10
- David Hasselhoff – The Hoff has the charm and wit of George Hamilton, and is probably spryer than the Sun God, so if he can lay off the burgers and Jagermeister, he’ll be a contender. Exit week: 9
- Florence Henderson – She’s no Betty White or Cloris Leachman…thank goodness! Everybody’s sexy grandma will surprise us. Exit week: 6
- Kyle Massey – A 19 year old rapper. Really? How quaint. Exit week: 3
- Brandy Norwood – She bears a slight resemblance to disco queen Donna Summer. I don’t think Donna could dance, either. But somebody’s got to stick around past week 6. Exit week: 7
- Audrina Patridge – Who? Exit week: 1 (I’m pretty sure they’ll drop two people right off the bat, to ease our pain.)
- Mike “The Situtation” Sorrentino – “The Situation”? What kind of stupid nickname is that, for pete’s sake? It might as well be “The Yogurt,” or “The Garage Door Opener.” Still, I’m told he tests well with the core audience – young straight girls and young gay guys. I’m guessing he’s got some moves. Exit week: 9
- Kurt Warner – Much as I respect Mr. Warner, he’s going to bring an end to the tradition of football players who do well in DWTS. He’s another old (relatively speaking), banged up white guy, and he’s just too nice to get down. Heck, he may even be a Baptist. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Exit week: 5
You may have noticed that I’ve doubled up on some exit weeks. So sue me. To be honest, I’m not sure how long the season is this year. Anyway, the exact weeks aren’t important; what’s important is that you recognize the futility of guessing what will happen, and then give me big props for the lucky guesses.
Oh, and you want to know who wins? I dunno, but I think the top 3 will be Jennifer Grey, David Hasselhoff, and Mike “The Lame Nickname” Sorrentino.