It’s an indisputable fact that the most boring thing one can bring to a conversation is a detailed description of one’s dream. Sure, that dream sequence involving Scarlett Johansson, a badger, and a NutriBullet smoothie machine created a permanent new neural pathway on your brain, but even your most fevered and fervent description of that dramatic episode will never fail to glaze the eyes of even your most faithfully forbearing friend.
Dreams are the ultimate personal experiences and should not, under any circumstances, be shared with others.
But, let me tell you about mine, because they’re really neat.
So, I’m in a desert somewhere, possibly in West Texas, mi patria, and I see a massive flying creature — probably a hawk, possibly an eagle, but definitely not a pterosaur, because my dreams are realistic — cruising overhead. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, a tiny bird appears above the gigantic one, and it dives down to attack it.
Mere words can’t adequately describe the sheer pathos and drama of this scene, so I’ve brought my not inconsiderable artistic skills to bear to provide you with a completely realistic reenactment:
[Ed. – Yawn. Who among us hasn’t seen this exact interaction between a mockingbird and a hawk?]
You’re probably thinking, I’ve seen this interaction happen MANY times in the past, between a mockingbird and a hawk. Granted…but wait! The little avian attacker actually alights atop the big bird and rests there, triumphantly, for an instant, then launches itself back into the air and rapidly descends toward where I’m standing in observational awe.
This is where it gets…unusual. The bird isn’t flying, exactly; it’s more like it’s…floating…in a gentle downward spiral, and as it gets closer to earth, I see that it’s transformed into a turtle. A turtle with glider-like wings. See, I told you this was worth waiting for.
Artist’s rendering…not my actual dream turtle. Mine was smiling.
The winged turtle makes a gentle landing on the dry desert soil, and I think, I really need to get a photo of this because no one will believe me otherwise. So I pull out my camera — it might have been my phone; it’s not like I can remember every detail of my dreams, so give me a break — and start walking over to where I last saw the turtle.
On the way over to the landing zone, I spot a slice of pizza on the ground. Oh, cool…I need to get this photo also because a slice of pizza lying on the ground in the desert is the most instagrammable thing ever, so I make a quick detour to take a picture of the pizza.
I then turn my focus back to the aero-turtle, only to find that it has vanished. I’m once again a victim of my short attention span, even in my dreams. There is a suspicious hump in the dirt which I tentatively explore with a stick, but my efforts are for naught. I’m left with only a pizza picture and the fond memories of the floating turtle with a Mona Lisa smile. I did mention the smile, didn’t I?
At this point, I wake up. I ponder the meaning of the dream as I stagger from the bedroom to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. I also wonder why Scarlett Johansson is hanging out with a badger, but that’s a question for another time.
