The recent disclosure by Walmart that it’s closing five stores in order to repair “plumbing issues” is so mysterious – I can’t find any formal announcement or press release on the company’s website – that it’s spawning myriad conspiracy theories by folks for whom the X Files reboot can’t come soon enough.
I’ll be the first to agree that it all looks pretty odd, and so I’m not completely discounting the possibility that there’s something more at work here than some blighted bathrooms, although if reports are accurate, using the parking lot as a restroom might be a preferred alternative to actually going into one of the stores’ facilities. But I think most of the theories offered so far are without merit, and I offer the following more credible possibilities for your consideration.
- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has for some time been seeking facilities that will accommodate his huge ego, and these five locations (Pico Rivera, CA; Tulsa, OK; Brandon, Fl; Livingston, TX; Midland, TX) are perfectly placed for this purpose. Sure, you can be skeptical, but I defy you to explain the following map that clearly demonstrates that those towns form the points of the Dallas Cowboys star logo, centered around Dallas.
- There is the possibility that a million square feet of storage is still insufficient for the preceding purpose, so I’m lending credence to the insider information that the company will convert these locations into exclusive boutiques for its new “People Of Walmart” fashion collection, featuring various fetching combinations of camo sweatsuits, thong underwear, and wife-beater tees. Each Boo-Teak™ (as I’ve been told the stores will be branded) will have an in-house tattoo shop (kids under 12 inked free!) and dressing rooms shaped like pickup truck beds.
- Some have speculated that these locations will be converted into Hipster Zoos so that the residents of these outlying communities will be able to educate their children about those exotic creatures without having to actually expose them to the harsh environs of Austin, Seattle, or NYC (excluding Manhattan). Families would be culturally enriched by seeing trendsters in their natural habitats, wearing beards and flannel, pedaling singlespeeds, and pretending to listen to Arcade Fire while adjusting their suspenders. This would be the ultimate expression of irony, however, and so I tend to discount this theory.
- Channeling the spirit of Nicholas Cage in National Treasure I fired up the old Anagram Generator to see if there are any hidden messages in the locations of the stores to be closed. Sure enough, if you rearrange some of the letters of each town’s name you come up with “Bland Trump On.” So, obviously, Donald Trump intends to use these abandoned Walmarts as the regional headquarters for his upcoming presidential campaign.
- I realize that each of these theories has its fatal flaws of logic, so I’ll leave you with this: another anagram for the locations is “Bad Roman Plot.” Read into that what you will, but it’s pretty clear evidence, and my fear is that there are dark and powerful forces at work that will go to any lengths to stifle the revelation that